accomplished twins. life is a go
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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