So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
