I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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