you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
