is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
