Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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