What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
