I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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