Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
