i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
