My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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