I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
