All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
