I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It was a blind-side dick pic.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
