My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
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