Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
