dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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