With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
