I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize