Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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