i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
