The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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