my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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