Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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