They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
