You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize