I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
