What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
