A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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