32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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