you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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