My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
