Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
