Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
