If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
