Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
