i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
