If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
