Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
