I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
