So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I wish my penis had an off switch
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
