she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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