I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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