It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
