The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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