the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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