i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I am full of burrito and curiosity
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
