Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
please don't ironically join a cult
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