she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
