Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
