'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
