remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
In other news, I just burned my penis
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
FUCK WHALES
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