Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize