Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
im on a boat
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