fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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