I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Houston, we have a blender
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
