If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize