i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
