when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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