my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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