Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
