If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
