Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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