i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
