im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
