Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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