And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
