I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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